The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
