Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
