sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
