Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
