I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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