I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
