do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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