i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
