I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
