Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
