i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
