I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
