Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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