I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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