well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
