Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
