And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
