Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
