I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
