You smell like a Billy Joel song
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
