my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You ruined the universe
Randomize
