Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
