this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
