My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize