she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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