Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
