i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
