Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
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