i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
