Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
