i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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