Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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