when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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