my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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