dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
