ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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