Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
