well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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