how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
