THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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