so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
