She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
