Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize