My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
