i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
