That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
