I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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