Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
