I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
