I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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