the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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