Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
